Lazy.

Eh, I'm done number days.  It's too much work.  And guess what, I'm lazy.  :-)

It never ceases to amaze me how my therapist can say something to me and it'll resonate weeks or months later.  At my very first individual counseling session, she asked me to list the things that I didn't like about myself.  My list for the most part centered around my being lazy.  At that point she stopped me.   "Have you ever considered that what you describe as being 'lazy,' is actually a symptom of being depressed?" she asked me.  No, the thought had honestly never crossed my mind.  In fact, I had always thought that was pretty much a cop out.  You see, I was raised in a home where my mother shifted the blame of anything not right in her life on to someone or something else.  She was the child of an alcoholic...money problems due to the divorce...weight issues due to quitting smoking...always tired due to medical issues...  Okay, but at some point you have to take a little ownership.  Okay, so quitting smoking will make you gain weight, I am not arguing this.  When you quit 15 years ago and you're standing at the kitchen counter eating an entire jar of jelly by the spoonful, it might be time to consider that your eating habits are also playing a role in your weight issue.  Maybe?  No you're right, it's probably the smoking thing.

I told my therapist that I'm willing to entertain the option that my 'laziness' is actually depression, but I refuse to use it as a crutch.  I refuse to place the blame on other things and continue to go about my lazy way.  She said that made sense.  Then we started talking about my mother and I felt like the cliche client in therapy.  My therapist was trying to get at some of damage that my parents did to me growing up.

Then, weeks later, I was dumbstruck by a comment my dad made.  We were talking about my 1 y/o niece not walking and my brother commented that she was lazy.  My dad exclaimed "Oh no, [ME] was the laziest baby!  She never even crawled, she just rolled everywhere!"  This is a comment that I've probably heard 1000x's before.  It's actually the running family joke about how lazy I was - between never crawling as a baby, to feigning injuries to not play T-ball as a child, to never playing sports in high school - there is never any question about my laziness.  But suddenly, my conversation with my therapist pops into my head.  Well, no wonder I have anxiety with being lazy!  I've been told in no uncertain terms that I was lazy since I was a baby!!  Who does that??  Oh right, my family.  How is that okay?  Why is that hysterical??  No wonder I have issues!

Now, was I strong enough to bring this fact to everyone's' attention at that point?  No, not yet.  But, I think recognizing how I am being mistreated is probably a good first step.  I will say, as I am gaining tools to combat my depression, I feel my energy coming back somewhat.  I do have some VERY productive days.  However, I still have plenty of low energy days.  And occasionally I do let myself curl up on the couch, under the safety and protection of a warm blanket, without (too much) mental criticism.

Day 14

It's been 2 weeks since my 2nd d-day.  Today I got some "tough love" from a few mutual acquaintances between The Whore, The Meddler, and I.  Basically I am stupid for not knowing what was going on.  I am protecting The Mister.  I am playing the victim.  And I should issue everyone an apology.  And then they laid out exactly what they would do in my situation.

'Scuse me??

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I admit that I drug the group into this mess, but I can assure you that you have NO idea what you would do in my shoes until you've been here.  I definitely made big claims that as soon as someone was unfaithful to me, I'd be showing them the door.  Well, things get convoluted when you have as much time invest in as I do, not to mention the kids!!  I am so thankful that I have found a support group of people who are going through/have been through something similar.  In this group, I've come to realize that my reactions are COMPLETELY NORMAL.  I would not wish this hell on anyone, but I do promise that if any of these judgmental people ever come to me in a situation like mine, I will welcome them with open arms and I won't say 'I told you so'...out loud, anyway.  :-)

Day 12

Today I kissed The Mister for the first time since D-day #2.  It felt good, but it triggered some angry thinking later in the day.  We ended up having a good discussion that centered around some of The Whore's faults and the less desirable aspects of the affair.  It was nice to hear.  The Mister and I ended up being intimate again for the first time later tonight.  It was emotional for both of us, but he was very patient and understanding.  He just held me for the rest of the night.

Day 11

STD checks came back clean.  One more check off my list of demands.

Day 9

Today was my first counseling session since D-day #2.  Obviously the affair was the topic of the entire session. One thing we discussed was that I am willing to put in the effort to make things work if he is, but I'm not ready to fully commit to reconciliation just yet. She agreed that she thought that was smart. So, I came home and told The Mister what we discussed. I wouldn't say that it made him angry, per say, but he did seem agitated. His response was actually "Well, *I'm* not leaving you..." I wanted to say "Well, *I* was faithful!" But, I didn't. I explained that I just needed time to make sure that he continued to do what I needed him to do and to see if this betrayal was something that I could eventually get over. He seemed to understand that.

Day 6

Today was a bad day.  It may or may not have been confounded by the fact that I left the house without taking my medication.  We took the kids over to my Dad's house for a while.  The whole time there, I had to stuff my feelings down and put on a happy face.  On the way home, The Mister asked me what I was thinking.  So, I started unloading on him.  I'm so angry!!  I can't believe he sat for months listening to me cry about how deceived I felt (notice the past tense, that's because I thought it was over), he'd look me right in the eye and tell he was sorry and that it was over.  But, it wasn't.  He'd tell me that I was the only one.  But, I wasn't.  He'd tell me that he never slept with her.  But, he had.  Every time I felt like we were starting rebuild trust, something would come along and bring it tumbling back down.  He definitely has an up-hill battke ahead of him.  I hope I'm not stupid for giving him one last chance.

Day 4

Day 4 is a better day. The Whore started emailing me last night threatening that if I didn't clear her name within the Mommy Group, she was going to post emails on her blog. The Mister eventually sent an email telling her to knock it off. It was nice to have him stand up for me. However, she still kept pushing, so I let them know that she was definitely a whore, but her sanity was up for interpretation and that she was threatening public humiliation if I didn't let them know as much.

...sooooo, I’m sure that changed a lot of opinions of her...

Day 3

Okay, today is day three. It's a bad day. Today I am feeling very violated. I compare it to the time my car was broken into. I felt very icky that someone was in my car without permission, went through my stuff, and shattered my security. This is like that only 1000x worse. And it's mainly because who knows what they talked about in regards to me or things I said. Perhaps I'm still in a state of denial, but it's the emotional relationship that still bothers me more than the physical. I don't know.

So far, The Mister is still doing all the right things (again, I realize it's only day 3). He is being very supportive and patient (yes, I know - as he should). I told him that there is no way that I can kiss him right now and I have no idea when I'll be able to again. He understands of this.

I don't know.

Day 1

I know it's only day one, but so far he's done everything right. And once I got him to FINALLY admit to it, it was like a flood gate opening. There were a lot of tears - more on his part than mine, I just went completely numb. I still expect to wake up from this horrible nightmare.  He willingly made an appointment to see the therapist tomorrow. He said he'll give up drinking and meet any other demands that I make of him. I called my doctor this morning and increased my Zoloft dose.  Because this has gone on for 6 months and it's become pretty public within my Mommy group, there's a good chance that I lost some friends along the way. 

I've never felt so alone.

The Day the Bottom Fell out.

"You know, it's hard for me to trust you when I don't have actual proof one way or the other.  We could survive an affair, it's the lying that I would have trouble forgiving."  He's still agitated.  He throws his arms up and says "Well, you might as well assume that I fucked her then!"  I asked quietly "Did you?"

......No answer.

"Did you?!"

......No answer.  He won't even look at me.

"Okay, I'm going to assume by your lack of answer that you did."

 [Pause]

"DID YOU??"

"I did," he whispered as the tears started to fall.

He sent the kids up to their room and then began to recount what actually happened throughout the last 7 months.  How he would tell me that he was going shooting and would go to her house instead.  How the day he had her over to help me get ready for my party, they fucked in my bathroom.  How he told me that he was driving some friends around for his bachelor party and spent the night at her house instead.  How he went her house THE DAY after our third child was born because he was upset that we weren't doing anything for his birthday - since I was still in the hospital.

I felt my whole body go numb.  I could hear the words he was saying, but I felt like I was having an out of body experience.  This was not my life.  This was not my husband.  This is not the person that I have known and loved for nearly half my lifetime.  THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!  I was in utter and complete shock.

We talked for quite a while.  He let me ask any questions that I had, pausing only to wipe his tears or blow his nose.  We had the calmest conversation that we've had to date about The Whore.  Eventually we both grew tired and decided to try and get some sleep.  He easily slipped into a slumber.  I, on the other hand, tossed and turned for most of the night.  I had images of the two of them, conversations between The Mister and I, conversations between The Whore and I, conversations between The Mister and The Whore, and  revenge plans running through my head all night.  I think I got a total of about 45 minutes of sleep.