Reclaim.

A very smart friend of mine recently said something and even though she was talking about a completely different topic, what she said really resonated with me.  She said "Getting myself to say it out loud is really fucking hard, but it helps to let someone you trust know what you're doing."  So, that's what I am doing today.  I am reclaiming what is mine.

The last few days, I have become increasingly aware that I am far too focused on the past.  I need to let it go.  I can't change anything.  I can only move on and take my lesson with me.  Instead, I should be in the present and planning for the future.

One of my greatest difficulties is what I call "getting out of my head."  It's a nearly constant struggle to not get caught up in thoughts about various aspects of the whole situation.  However, I recently learned a little tool from the forums on Surviving Infidelity.  Generally it's suggested that you visualize a giant stop sign when your thoughts begin to wander to the affair or you start the mind movies.  But, that's not nearly enough fun.  Someone from the forums said that they visualize themselves literally kicking the other person out of their thoughts.  I LOVE THIS.  Not only does it actually help, but I also get to kick The Whore in the face several times a day.  It is SO empowering!!!

With my shiny new tool in my toolbox, I feel so much stronger and ready to move on with my life.  I am ready to reclaim what is mine.  I am saying it out loud for all of you to hear: 

I am reclaiming my mind!  I am reclaiming my spirit!  I am reclaiming myself!  I am ready to move on from this horrible chapter in my life, take the lessons with me, and set sails for a brighter future.

So, there you have it.  I've said it and now I have to follow through, right?  :-)  Did you think I was going to mention reclaiming The Mister?  Not. A. Chance.  I only have control over myself.  It's up to him repair what has been broken between us.  If he can't do it, I am not about to force anything.  I refuse to live my life trying to coax someone to treat me with respect and to love me like they should.  He gets one "do-over."  If he can't do it, then I'll take my lesson from that and keep on keeping on.  Until then, he is more than welcome to reclaim his marriage.

Dreams.

I have always thought that dreams are significant.  Less in a one-size-fits-all 'let's look it up in a dream book' sort of way and more in a 'my brain is processing life' way.  Dreams can be literal or figurative - sometimes the feeling or the mood of the dream is more important than the actual images - or the images are symbolic of something else.

I've had PLENTY of dreams in the past few months.  As you can imagine, my brain has had a lot to process  throughout this whole horrific ordeal.  The whore has cropped up in my dreams sporadically, but this week she has tormented me twice already.  The first one was quite distressing.  There was a lot of talking and then I tried to punch her and I couldn't.  It put a damper on the rest of my day.  Actually, now that I think about it, this may have prompted the start of my angry phase.

However, last night I dreamt that I got to tell her all of the things that I wish I could say to her, but know better.  First of all, I told The Bore about her last message to The Mister.  The one that was "fishing" - trying to see if she could start things up.  This was actually the message that spurred D-day #2.  The other thing I got to tell was that she is trash.  In her last email to me, she assured me that she never spoke poorly of me.  It took every ounce of strength that I had not to respond with "I honestly do not care because you are nothing more than trash."  But, I decided that silence was my best option.  Then in my dream they wouldn't leave, so I had to call 911.  I actually woke up feeling a little bit victorious   I actually feel much more level than I have for the past few days.  I don't want to get too far ahead of myself and jump to conclusions, but perhaps my dream last night was my brain working through my emotions.  One can hope!

To further encourage my healing, The Mister is currently on top of his game.  He is saying all the right things. He is doing the work he can from out of town - he's reading and doing the necessary research.  He's discussing the things he's been doing.  He's open to being completely transparent.  He's making plans - that if he follows through with - could make great strides in our recovery.

Today, I am cautiously optimistic.

Anger.

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly referred to as the "five stages of grief", is a hypothesis introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross asserting that when a person (or a survivor) is faced with the reality of impending death or other extreme, awful fate, he/she will experience a series of emotional "stages."  The five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with what we have lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order.  (Grief.com)

I know that I went through the stages after D-day #1.  So, when D-day #2 rolled round and I felt pretty level-headed about everything, I thought maybe I was already to acceptance.  Not a chance.  More likely is that I was still in the denial phase.  I was right back at square one.  

Well on Saturday, I'm fairly certain that I hit the anger stage full-force.  I sent some pretty angry text messages to The Mister throughout the day (I didn't call because he was with a friend and the friend just found out that his Grandpa died).  But we talked on the phone Sunday evening when I unloaded on him - verbally this time.  I got to the point where I just had to hang up the phone because I had nothing constructive to say.  Afterwards, he sent me a text message saying he felt 'terrible' for what he did.  He says that a lot and it dives me crazy.  My hope is that he has difficulty finding the right words to accurately describe his feelings, but I feel like 'terrible' is FAR too superficial of a word to use to describe the agony that he has put me through.  So, I told him as much in an email.  And because that wasn't enough abuse, I sent a second email.  And the remarkable thing about The Mister is that he never complained.  He did all the right things (well, with the exception of trying to imply that something other than his misdeeds were the cause of my anger) - he agreed with me, he offered support, he showed affection and he still did the reading he promised AND made notes about some things that he wanted to share.

He's a good man.  He did something very, very wrong, but nevertheless, he IS a good man.

Peace.

Being a mother is enough responsibility in and of itself, but with The Mister out of town, I have had absolutely zero down time.  Even the little bit of time that I had some friends watch the two bigger kids, I still had the baby with me and I went grocery shopping.  So, this morning I took advantage of today being Saturday and us not having plans until early evening.  I got the kids all settled in downstairs and ran upstairs to take a shower by myself.  As I stood in the shower with the water beating down on my tired body, surrounded by a cloud of steam, and the sunlight streaming through the window on to my face.  And right there for just a moment, my world was peaceful.  I could hear nothing but the falling water and for once in as long as I could remember, my mind was quite.  For just a few blissful seconds, I was just present.  That is, until I started to over-think it.  :-(

And then as my punishment for that moment of peace was that I struggled to keep my mind off all of the crap for the rest of the day.  Sigh.

Distance.

The title of this post is a bit of a double entendre.  You see, on this Valentine's day, I find myself thinking about distance and how it relates to my marriage.  In 2012, we experienced a great deal of emotional distance.  I'm not even sure when it started or what the catalyst was because I think it grew so slowly.  Right now, The Mister is about 12,000 miles away, so we are currently facing physical distance.  I think having a forced separation of sorts is a good thing toward healing our marriage.  Besides giving us a taste of what life apart would be like, it also gives us a chance to work through some of our own stuff individually.  And because we're not really jointly involved in the day-to-day stuff presently, it's easier to have the feel that we're dating - which is the stage that I think we're in right now anyway.  Because we're not currently living together, it helps the hunger for each other to return.  In fact, just yesterday, I was struck by how much I actually miss him.  I mean I *know* that I miss him, but yesterday I could feel it in my soul.  The depth of the feeling struck me.  Almost immediately, I noticed the little things that would make life a bit easier - I now had to take on 100% of the child care duties, 100% of the household duties, and had no one to easily relieve me if I needed to run somewhere.  But after 4 days, I really truly missed just having my partner here.  I think the physical distance is assisting in our ability to heal.

And then today is Valentine's day and let me tell you, he hit it out of the park this year!  A public announcement that he loves me on my Facebook wall, flowers delivered to the house, and sweet text messages all day that gave me the butterflies feeling again.  I really truly felt loved and appreciated today.  Then I realized what a juxtaposition that feeling was to Valentine's day 2012.  Last year I got nothing, nada, zilch.  I even told The Mister that all I wanted was a card.  I don't need expensive gifts, but a girl likes to be reminded that she's appreciated once in a while - small gestures once in a while to show her that you're thinking about her even when she's not around.  A card with some thoughtful words written inside go a long way.  All I got last year was an apology and an offer to share the candy I bought for him (that I hate, BTW) - from The Mister anyway, Buddy told me that he would share his Valentine's day card with him.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but now I can see that this was just the start of the emotional distance growing between us.  Although the affair had not stated yet, this was the beginning of the downward plunge that our marriage took last year.  Now, I will NEVER, EVER, EVER be one of those "his affair saved our marriage" -types because I think that's bullshit.  I will NEVER, EVER, EVER give The Mister an out like that.  I absolutely wish that he would have brought his concerns to me and let me in on the gravity of the situation before he broke his vows.  But, there is nothing I can do about that now.  I AM, however, the type of person that believes that you need to find the lesson in all of life's experiences, otherwise it's just a waste.  I am hoping that we can learn experience, appreciate our marriage, put some safeguards in place to ensure fidelity, and not let the emotional distance grow between us again.

Triggers.

Triggers are a common occurrence for the betrayed spouse.  They are an individual thing and vary from person to person.  It could be anything really - sights, sounds, smells, specific dates - anything that triggers a reaction and reminds the person of the affair in some way, shape or form.  As my emotions being to damper and I level out a little bit, my personal triggers are beginning to take shape.  So far, the one I can pinpoint is anything that happened (specific dates, holidays, events, etc.) while the affair was going on.  Unfortunately, this thing went on for 6 months and a lot of stuff happens in half a year...including the birth of Chunky.

This is one of the things that makes me so angry.  I hope that one day the feelings fade enough that I can think back to the day my son was born (and The Mister's birthday the following day) and remember the joy and love I felt, instead of the giant black cloud and the subsequent knot in my stomach due to The Mister's horrific transgression.  The other day, I needed a specific date of something from this summer, so I had to go back through my calendar.  Seeing all of the specific dates that I now know that they were together, events that happened as I was blissfully unaware of the underground deceit, and times when I thought The Mister and I shared a special, happy moment that I now know was an utter and complete lie sent me in a downward spiral of emotions.  Then, a friend asked me about the camp that I sent Buddy and Feisty to while I was in the hospital with Chunky.  Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed with the memory of being left alone at the hospital.  I remember being irritated by being left with the responsibility to care for all of our children a day after having a baby.  I quickly brushed my feelings aside because I did feel guilty that The Mister was missing out on his birthday.  Ugh.  I guess I have 6 months, but I'm not sure how I can celebrate his birthday ever again without triggering.

I hate this.

Selfish.

I hear all the time about how affairs are "selfish."  I hear this not only from other people, but also from The Mister.  It doesn't bother me so much when others say it, but it just doesn't sit right when The Mister says it. He will often freely confess some variant of "I was stupid, I was an asshole, I was selfish."  The others don't bother me, but the "I was selfish" just rubs me the wrong way.  I'm not even sure that I can appropriately explain my feeling on this.

When someone says they were selfish it means that they were seeking their own pleasure without regard for others.  So to me, when The Mister says "I was selfish" he's saying it's something I want to do, but shouldn't have because it's wrong.  I guess I would rather hear ""I was obviously struck with temporary insanity.  I mean, why else would I even give THAT a second thought??"  However, I would even be satisfied with "I did something that I thought at the time made me happy, but I now realize that I was blinded by the fantasy of no responsibilities"...or something along those lines.

I did have a discussion with The Mister, where I tried to explain my issue with "I'm selfish."  But, it's a fine line between explaining my concern to him and telling him what to say.  It really is meaningless if he just regurgitates my words.  And really, I'm not sure that he could ever find the right words because he can't honestly tell me "It never happened."  I guess, in that case, I can only hope that my feelings eventually make sense to him and he is able to put it into his own words.

Precious.

I was walking through the grocery store yesterday.  I just had chunky with me because the older two had a dinner date with their aunt.  Chunky was sitting in the cart, looking up at me with his big, goofy grin.  Suddenly, tears spring to my eyes.  I'm looking at this tiny, perfect creature - so full of innocence - and I can't even comprehend how anyone could be so absolutely selfish to risk everything.  I know as mother, I am often putting everyone else's wants and needs ahead of my own.  But honestly, how completely wrapped up in yourself does one have to be to be so careless to those who depends on you the most...especially this helpless, adorable, PRECIOUS little being.  Over what?  Sex with The Whore?  I will never, ever, ever, ever understand.  I can't even fathom how you can look at his angelic face and feel anything but absolute horror over what you did.  Because that's what I felt that day in the grocery store looking at this sweet, little baby and *I* didn't do anything wrong.  *I've* done nothing but protect him from the day he was conceived.  And yet, *I* feel guilty for your transgressions.  I'm not claiming that I have been perfect in my life or even in my marriage.  But, I can tell you that the day I became a mother changed the course of my life forever.  I was no longer responsible for just myself and I have lived my life accordingly.  Furthermore, not only am I expected to keep these children alive and guide them in the right directions, but I am also expected to be a positive role model in their lives.  I strive to be the type of woman that I would like my daughter to be and the type of woman I would like my sons to marry.  I suggest that you take a hard look at your actions and what messages you are sending to your children.  We were entrusted with precious cargo.  It's time to treat them accordingly.

Protect.

I had another therapy session today.  I REALLY hate whining about how I was mistreated growing up. Especially because I know I could have had it much worse.  No one touched me inappropriately.  No one beat me.  My parents fed me and clothed me and loved me...in their own way.  So, I really just want to suck it up and get over it.  But, if you look at some of my issues from my past and some of my issues in the present.  It kind of fits together like some sort of weird jigsaw puzzle.

No one has ever REALLY protected me.  My parents were married when I was little until I was about age 10 or 11.  My Mom was the dominant one in the relationship.  She was also the youngest in her family and the only girl, so I think she was spoiled a bit growing up.  And thus, she's always been somewhat co-dependent, helpless, and immature.  But, she has always been proud of her outgoing-ness and her "athleticism" (which I think it more of a tom-boyish attitude - placing more importance on traditionally masculine activities, such as sports, over traditionally girly activities, such as cooking, makeup, fashion, etc.).  Evidently, I remind my Mom too much of my dad.  I am quite reserved, quiet and thoughtful - pretty much the opposite of my Mom.  I love girly things.  I love make-up, hair, shoes, and looking pretty.  I love cooking and doting on my family.  Again, all pretty much the opposite of my Mom.  And although she doesn't say it in so many words, I don't believe that a day has gone by that she hasn't reminded me that I am not what she expected in a daughter.

On to my Dad Like I said, my Dad is very reserved and quiet.  His mother is a mean old lady and I'm pretty sure there is something psychologically wrong with her.  She will often pit people against each other.  I've seen her do it between her children, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren.  Like life is some sort of F'd up competition.  And I've seen my Dad just roll over and take her abuse, as I'm sure he has done for his entire life.

So, I am brought into this world and these are the two people who are supposed to care for me - a self-centered, bitter Mom and a Dad who is unable to stand up to the matriarch of the house.  So, I get the message loud and clear: I'm not worth fighting for.  Then, my parents split and find other significant others.  The cycle continues, only this time worse because I'm not even sure that these "new" parental figures even truly care for me.  My Dad marries an even more controlling and aggressive woman and takes an even bigger step back in regards to my defense.  My Mom shacks up with a man who is an alcoholic and emotionally abusive.  She's far too concerned with her relationship and my brother's activities to be bothered with me.  And he jumps right in when she starts belittling me.

I am required to grow up quickly.  I am given a lot of responsibility at a young age...but only when it's convenient for the "adults" in my life.  No one takes too much interest in my life, except to tell me when I could do better.  So, I seek out people that I think will protect me.  But unfortunately, I'm not the best judge of that.

Then I meet a boy.  He likes me and he's nice enough to me and interested enough in me that I can overlook a few things, like the fact that he has to call his ex-girlfriend every Sunday - no matter what.  He eventually breaks up with me for her and I am crushed.  Then he wants me back, but only as his "best friend."  He's still dating his ex.  He only wants me when it suites him and I go along with it because I think he really cares and that he'll protect me.  The ex breaks up with him, but he still doesn't want me as anything more than the "best friend."  Eventually, I get smart.  Someone else starts to pay attention to me.  I agree to still be the "best friend," but he no longer can have me when it suites him.  I have someone else who will try to protect me.

The boy realizes that he wants what he now can't have.  He makes a very convincing plea.  He wants to protect me for the rest of my life.  This is an offer that I can't turn down.  This is everything that I ever wanted.  And for a while, it seemed that he did.  In fact, until recently, I thought that was the fairy tale.  "And they lived happily ever after.  The end."

I was wrong.  The boy chose to protect himself and The Whore at the expense of me.

I understand now that I can't rely on anyone else for protection.  I need to learn to protect myself.  But, that doesn't mean that I won't be just a little bit angry and bitter that I've fought for years yet have still never received what is simple a given for most everyone else.

Disgust.

The other day, I told The Mister that a part of me is disgusted by him.  He seemed taken aback by that.  He asked "because I lied to you?"  No.  Really?  How about because you put your penis into another woman's vagina?  I then began listing all of the transgressions that disgusted me.  He was visibly upset by this.  He then took a shower and I know he was in there crying and a large part of me didn't care.  Why should I feel guilty when he's upset?  *I* didn't cause any of this.  Was he thinking about me or my feelings at any point in the last 7 months?  Not. At. All.

Asshole.

However, I am an empathetic being.  So, unfortunately I do care.  Ugh.

Hate.

There are days where I have to remind myself...almost convince myself...that I don't hate The Mister, but I definitely hate what he did.  I think I *could* hate him for what he did and I fear that if I let myself hate him, I will never be able to recover from that.  I feel like I need to attempt to pick up the pieces of our shattered relationship not just for us, but also for our kids.  I think we own it to the kids to see if we can successfully reconcile.

I've been told that it sounds like I am protecting The Mister.  I have a couple theories on that.  First of all, I've read that it's like a defense mechanism.  Initially, your heart doles most of the blame to the other person. Then slowly, it allows you to place more and more blame on your significant other.  In a way it protects you and give you the opportunity to process more slowly the hurt the other person has done to you in order for you to make the decision whether to stay and build trust or not.

To me, it also feels like I'm protecting him from those around me for my benefit.  I am angry with him.  More angry, hurt, confused, whatever than you can ever imagine.  I'm hoping that I can some day forgive him for his actions.  If I'm not completely certain that *I* can forgive him, how am I to expect those around me to forgive him and support our reconciliation?