An anniversary is the date in which an event took place in a previous year. An anniversary is something that you generally celebrate. An antiversary is the opposite. It is something that you do not want to celebrate. One year ago tomorrow, my life changed forever and not in a good way. One year ago tomorrow, the bottom dropped out of the life as I knew it and I fell into the deepest, darkest, blackest hole that I have ever seen. One year ago tomorrow, I was left alone in a pile of rubble and was forced to question everything that I had ever known. One year ago today was DD#2.
But you know what? I survived. More than that, considering the circumstances, I think I thrived. I actually like myself for the first time in I don't even know how long. I am stronger than ever. We are still married and I think that we are both committed to strengthening our marriage. The Mister is starting to recognize some areas that he needs to work on. As a couple, we have been taking some real steps forward. But, I just know that as we get healthy as individuals, our relationship will really take off.
It was not planned this way, but it just so happened that we are leaving for a trip tomorrow. The first couple of days are work related for The Mister, but we took the opportunity to extend this trip beyond that. This will allow us to to have some time without the kids and the distractions at home to be able to focus on just us. It's funny how life just has a way of putting things together, isn't it? I can't think of a better way to spend our antiversary!
My personal outlet as I attempt to recover from the trauma of infidelity. Follow my journey as I attempt to pick up the pieces following the discovery of my husband’s 6 month affair with someone that I considered to be a friend, battle depression, and more. Check out the links to the right to get caught up on my saga.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Battle.
As I stated, I have these different entities inside of me. These entities battle and sometimes it gets ugly. During one of our last discussions, The Mister said "I need you to tell me that I make you happy." This set set in motion a conflict of massive proportions inside my head.
The hurt child becomes hysterical. The Mister's affair hurt her deeply. And yet again, there was no one to protect her from The Mister and The Mister did not protect her from anyone else. She was raw and vulnerable and that hurt.
The caretaker goes into full codependency mode. You see on DD #2, she assured The Mister that if he just told the truth that they could get through anything. She could fix this. She would carry the responsibility. That is until she got tired of feeling like she was the only one carrying the responsibility. Then she was angry. The Mister needs to be punished for his actions, after all.
The Adult knows that it's not fair to punish him now. She knows that it would be more productive to focus on recovery. But it's difficult to keep the other two at bay. And it's going to be impossible to truly recover without healing the past. She's trying to decipher the difference between healing the past and punishing. The Adult is still developing and shaky on her feet, but she's growing stronger each day.
The hurt child becomes hysterical. The Mister's affair hurt her deeply. And yet again, there was no one to protect her from The Mister and The Mister did not protect her from anyone else. She was raw and vulnerable and that hurt.
The caretaker goes into full codependency mode. You see on DD #2, she assured The Mister that if he just told the truth that they could get through anything. She could fix this. She would carry the responsibility. That is until she got tired of feeling like she was the only one carrying the responsibility. Then she was angry. The Mister needs to be punished for his actions, after all.
The Adult knows that it's not fair to punish him now. She knows that it would be more productive to focus on recovery. But it's difficult to keep the other two at bay. And it's going to be impossible to truly recover without healing the past. She's trying to decipher the difference between healing the past and punishing. The Adult is still developing and shaky on her feet, but she's growing stronger each day.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Schizo.
About a month ago, I wrote about my codependency. I've been reading, seeing my counselor, and doing the work. You know, in addition to all of my other responsibilities. I'm starting to better understand myself. I feel like there are (at least) three distinct entities with in me. These entities fight amongst themselves. On any given day of of the three will be the frontrunner - or all three at some point. It's almost like I'm schizophrenic. Almost. The entities are as follows:
- The Hurt Child - This is the little girl inside me. She is the one who was always waiting for someone to protect her, but who was always disappointed. Her job was to support and nurture her mother. Her father turned a blind eye when the people in her life started criticising her, blaming her, or putting her down.
- The Caretaker - This is the entity that I suspect arose after my parents divorce. Then is was just my mom, my brother and I. Someone needed to step up and be the responsible one, I believe this is when The Caretaker showed up. I also believe this is when my codependency began - or at least was solidified.
- The (Well-Adjusted) Adult - For a long time, this entity either did not exist or had a very quiet voice. This is the one I am trying to strengthen. She is emotionally healthy. She is only responsible for her own burdens. She is always working toward making herself a better person, but she is aware that she already has a lot of strengths. I'm trying to build her up to be the primary entity. It is a challenging task, for sure.
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