Triggers.

Triggers are a common occurrence for the betrayed spouse.  They are an individual thing and vary from person to person.  It could be anything really - sights, sounds, smells, specific dates - anything that triggers a reaction and reminds the person of the affair in some way, shape or form.  As my emotions being to damper and I level out a little bit, my personal triggers are beginning to take shape.  So far, the one I can pinpoint is anything that happened (specific dates, holidays, events, etc.) while the affair was going on.  Unfortunately, this thing went on for 6 months and a lot of stuff happens in half a year...including the birth of Chunky.

This is one of the things that makes me so angry.  I hope that one day the feelings fade enough that I can think back to the day my son was born (and The Mister's birthday the following day) and remember the joy and love I felt, instead of the giant black cloud and the subsequent knot in my stomach due to The Mister's horrific transgression.  The other day, I needed a specific date of something from this summer, so I had to go back through my calendar.  Seeing all of the specific dates that I now know that they were together, events that happened as I was blissfully unaware of the underground deceit, and times when I thought The Mister and I shared a special, happy moment that I now know was an utter and complete lie sent me in a downward spiral of emotions.  Then, a friend asked me about the camp that I sent Buddy and Feisty to while I was in the hospital with Chunky.  Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed with the memory of being left alone at the hospital.  I remember being irritated by being left with the responsibility to care for all of our children a day after having a baby.  I quickly brushed my feelings aside because I did feel guilty that The Mister was missing out on his birthday.  Ugh.  I guess I have 6 months, but I'm not sure how I can celebrate his birthday ever again without triggering.

I hate this.