Fog.

So in my last post, I left off with my realization that The Mister was still at the beginning of his journey because he was still -at least partially- in the fog.  Anyway, that night our discussion regarding the letter he had written to the whore for counseling continued.  I just maintained my attempt to explain my opinion and feelings.  As the discussion went on, The Mister became less angry and less defensive.  However, by the time we were ready to go to sleep, we basically just left it at that neither of us could help the way we feel and that our feelings were very different from each other.

The following more, I assume after sleeping on it and having some time to process, The Mister was much more open to hear what I was saying.  He asked me why I thought he needed to be the "good guy."  I asked "Are you really ready for this?"  He took and deep breath and said yes.  We talked about how growing up he was the golden child.  We talked about his interests, hobbies, and profession.  How he likes to be the protector and how he likes the accolades that go along with that.  We talked about The Whore, how she is a perpetual victim, and how he so willingly stepped up to be her knight in shining armour.  We talked about how it was all a fantasy.  And how it wasn't because he was so perfect for her, but that she is just unhappy and he was filling a role (as she was filling a role for him).  That eventually he would be the one who she needed to be saved from.  As the conversation went on, it gained more and more momentum.  The anger and defensiveness had completely subsided.  He was now a willing participant in this conversation.  He was drawing conclusions and giving examples.  It was as if I was seeing the fog start to lift before my eyes.

We had several more, less intense, conversations over the course of several days.  He made a comment at some point that he used to take some comfort in that as horrible as the outcome has been of his affair, at least it was with her - because they had that connection.  But, now that he's seeing her for the person that she truly is, he's just ashamed and disgusted.  He also made the analogy that it's like his mind has this thin tube coming out of it, that will only fit one thought at a time.  And because he was hanging on to missing her for so long (by keeping it in and not talking to his counselor or myself about it) it backed everything up.  But now that it's all out, everything is all coming flooding out,

While I find this all very positive, have no fear, the jaded me is still here.  I have not forgotten the countless lies that he told me because he didn't want to lose me.  I have not forgotten the numerous that I told him "this is it" and he continued.  I have not forgotten all of the trust he lost.  And I definitely have not forgotten the long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long history he has of telling me exactly what I want to hear even if it's an outright lie.

But, I also try to remember that he ended things with The Whore (basically confirmed by her) 2 months before I even found out because he didn't want to lose me.  And if we're ever going to rebuild trust, it needs to start somewhere.  The difference is that this time there are no more chances.  Yes, he ALMOST got away with it this time, but he didn't.  And I'm fairly confident that if he were to cheat again or still cheating that it would eventually catch up to him as well.  The difference is that this time, I'm ready to walk - whether he believes it or not.  So, I carry some comfort in that.

Begin.

A few things that happened in the last few weeks that I feel like I need to catch up on.  I know that I wrote about us going on a trip and we ended up leaving on the antiversary or DD#2.  One of the things that we were looking forward to was to have some time devoted to us, without the distractions of our kids, jobs, bills...well, just life.  Well, I think we both found this trip to be eye-opening.

While we were away, I did my very best to focus my attention on The Mister.  I did my very best to make sure that his needs were met.  This was not reciprocated.  It has been a point of contention between us that his need is to have a physical connection and while mine is to have an emotional connection.  To be blunt, he wants sex while I want to talk.  There were three occasions where my needs were shut down.  First of all, I was chattering away about something and he waited for the first pause in the conversation to suggest that we have sex.  I didn't say much at this point.  Then later, we were sitting in the room chatting and The Mister suggested that we get dressed for bed, hold each other and talk.  I was over the moon!  ...until he promptly fell asleep.  Then one night after dinner, we decided to head over to a bar to have a couple of beers.  We were drinking and chatting.  Then he encouraged me to finish my drink, putting the conversation to an abrupt halt.  I quickly chugged my drink.  He asked why I was doing that, I said because he wanted me to finish my drink.  On the walk back to our room, I could tell that he was trying to assess the situation by making jokes.  I responded with the very minimum.  When we got back to the room, he asked if I was mad.  I told him that I was hurt.

This started a very serious conversation that teetered dangerously close to us deciding to separate.  During this conversation, he was able to admit that there were internal issues to address versus his affair being a product of solely external factors.  He said that he felt like he was chasing something, but he didn't know what it was.  He had already made a few individual counseling sessions and decided that this was probably something that should be discussed.

Then once we were home, we were having another discussion where The Mister confessed to me that although he had no plans to follow through, but that he had feelings that he wanted to contact The Whore.  My heart lept into my throat, but I sat quietly and listened to him. He rambled something about bookends and maybe if he talked to her, he'd stop thinking about talking to her. And he wasn't thinking about anything secretive, like before. To be honest, I was only half listening at this point because I was making such a conscious effort to contain my visceral reactions.


After a few moments of silence, he asked what I was thinking and all I could whisper was "I'm scared." He immediately got mad at me ("You're the one who wants me to open up to you"), but then turned it around ("I'm sorry, I know you can't help the way you feel either"). So, I let him know that although I have no control over what he does (he made that VERY apparent during his affair and the following trickle truth), but I did not think it was a good idea to contact her and I don't know that I can stay in this marriage if he does. I also told him that I can appreciate his wondering that if he just contacted her that would end him thinking about contacting her. But, that this was too close to the circumstances (per him) that kept the affair going on for as long as it did - he had previously told me that he tried to break it off a few times, but just needed one last goodbye and that started everything up again, plus he only had her to commiserate being in the affair.


He happened to have an individual counseling appointment the next day. During this session, he was given the homework to to write a letter to her and to read it aloud to the counselor at his next appt.  I didn't know about this exercise until he came bounding home from counseling, excited to share his letter with me. He said that he knew one part would be hard for me to hear, but overall he thought it would be good for me to hear.

Nearly the entire thing cut me like a knife. I know he was disappointed in my reaction. I did tell him that I appreciated him opening up to me. And he did have a paragraph talking about how I stood by him at his worst, even when I wasn't sure that we'd make it. He also talked about his vision of our future together.

But I couldn't get past a few things he included. He opened it with something along the lines of "I've missed you and there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about you.". And then he ended it with something like "although I don't hate you and I'm not angry with you, I hope I never see you again."

He argued that the first paragraph was past tense. I didn't see it that way. He has said that he knows that the person he knew wasn't real - that it was all fantasy. But, his letter didn't sound like that. It sounded to me that he still has feelings for her, but doesn't plan on acting on them because I will leave.  I have always said that I don't want him to remain in no contact with her because I'm requiring it, but because he sees her for who she is and doesn't want to contact her, but maybe that's unreasonable.  However, my guess is that he's still in The Fog.  

I wasn't able to confront The Mister about my thoughts until the next day.  I told him how I felt about the letter and that I thought that he was still in The Fog.  I told him that it was like a kick to the gut because I felt like over the past year that we as individuals and as a couple have made many steps forward, but I see now that he is still at the beginning of this whole thing.  I told him that I was currently my fight or flight response.  He got angry and defensive.  He told me that instead of focusing on what I was looking at, I should focus on the fact that he didn't even really want to write the letter because he was over it.  I should focus on what he said about me and us.  That the letter was for him to let go, not something new to trigger me.  

:-/  I'd say he's still in the fog.

Anitversary.

An anniversary is the date in which an event took place in a previous year.  An anniversary is something that you generally celebrate.  An antiversary is the opposite.  It is something that you do not want to celebrate.  One year ago tomorrow, my life changed forever and not in a good way.  One year ago tomorrow, the bottom dropped out of the life as I knew it and I fell into the deepest, darkest, blackest hole that I have ever seen.  One year ago tomorrow, I was left alone in a pile of rubble and was forced to question everything that I had ever known.  One year ago today was DD#2.

But you know what?  I survived.  More than that, considering the circumstances, I think I thrived.  I actually like myself for the first time in I don't even know how long.  I am stronger than ever.  We are still married and I think that we are both committed to strengthening our marriage.  The Mister is starting to recognize some areas that he needs to work on.  As a couple, we have been taking some real steps forward.  But, I just know that as we get healthy as individuals, our relationship will really take off.

It was not planned this way, but it just so happened that we are leaving for a trip tomorrow.  The first couple of days are work related for The Mister, but we took the opportunity to extend this trip beyond that.  This will allow us to to have some time without the kids and the distractions at home to be able to focus on just us.  It's funny how life just has a way of putting things together, isn't it?  I can't think of a better way to spend our antiversary!

Battle.

As I stated, I have these different entities inside of me.  These entities battle and sometimes it gets ugly.  During one of our last discussions, The Mister said "I need you to tell me that I make you happy."  This set set in motion a conflict of massive proportions inside my head.

The hurt child becomes hysterical.  The Mister's affair hurt her deeply.  And yet again, there was no one to protect her from The Mister and The Mister did not protect her from anyone else.  She was raw and vulnerable and that hurt.

The caretaker goes into full codependency mode.  You see on DD #2, she assured The Mister that if he just told the truth that they could get through anything.  She could fix this.  She would carry the responsibility.  That is until she got tired of feeling like she was the only one carrying the responsibility.  Then she was angry.  The Mister needs to be punished for his actions, after all.

The Adult knows that it's not fair to punish him now.  She knows that it would be more productive to focus on recovery.  But it's difficult to keep the other two at bay.  And it's going to be impossible to truly recover without healing the past.  She's trying to decipher the difference between healing the past and punishing.  The Adult is still developing and shaky on her feet, but she's growing stronger each day.

Schizo.

About a month ago, I wrote about my codependency.  I've been reading, seeing my counselor, and doing the work.  You know, in addition to all of my other responsibilities.  I'm starting to better understand myself.  I feel like there are (at least) three distinct entities with in me.  These entities fight amongst themselves.  On any given day of of the three will be the frontrunner - or all three at some point.  It's almost like I'm schizophrenic.  Almost.  The entities are as follows:

• The Hurt Child - This is the little girl inside me.  She is the one who was always waiting for someone to protect her, but who was always disappointed.  Her job was to support and nurture her mother.  Her father turned a blind eye when the people in her life started criticising her, blaming her, or putting her down.

• The Caretaker - This is the entity that I suspect arose after my parents divorce.  Then is was just my mom, my brother and I.  Someone needed to step up and be the responsible one, I believe this is when The Caretaker showed up.  I also believe this is when my codependency began - or at least was solidified.

• The (Well-Adjusted) Adult - For a long time, this entity either did not exist or had a very quiet voice.  This is the one I am trying to strengthen.  She is emotionally healthy.  She is only responsible for her own burdens.  She is always working toward making herself a better person, but she is aware that she already has a lot of strengths.  I'm trying to build her up to be the primary entity.  It is a challenging task, for sure.  

Codependent.

I'm sure it comes as no great shock to anyone that I'm codependent.  I have thought that I was codependent for a while, but I started reading a book.  The book opens with some examples of codependent people, then the author talks about how they were extreme examples.  The problem?  I identified with basically all of the stories.

I have a lot of work to do.  I was pretty much born into the codependent role.  It will be a tedious task to tease out which traits are my codependency and which are not.  It's like the time that I found out my knees were double jointed.  The ortho doc wondered if my continuously locking my knees back was causing my hip pain during my pregnancy and following the delivery of my first child.  He suggested that I make a conscious effort to keep my knees forward.  The thing was that I had no idea that I was locking my knees back.  That is what was natural for me and how was I to know that it was abnormal?  Those were the only knees that I've ever experienced!!

Well at any rate, I'm ready to start on a new path.  Between the book and my counselor, I think I have  some good tour guides.  One thing that my counselor emphasizes for me is that I need to story trying to solve everyone else's problems.  She says that I will feel a lot lighter once I'm not carrying everyone else's burdens.  As a step in that direction, she suggests that I regularly review the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Tell, again.

A little over 2 months ago, I told Superwoman about the affair.  It was such a relief to get that off my chest.  It was a comfort that I told her the whole story and she still loved me.  I've had so many people (ahem, the mommies) judge my actions without walking in my shoes.

Superwoman, Pretty and I try to get out once a month.  We usually pamper ourselves and spend some time without the kids.  I've wanted to tell Pretty for some time, but she was going through a personal crisis of her own and I didn't want to add to it.

Telling her was dramatically different than telling Superwoman.  Superwoman holds a lot of anger toward The Mister and tried to rally Pretty in that anger.  But Pretty instantly began crying and all she could say was "it makes me so angry that you felt you couldn't tell us."

Oh my gosh, how did I get so lucky to have two of the very best friends on the planet??