Better.

The issue of losing my special has weighed heavily on my mind.  And, believe me, I did my fair share of trying to prove this - particularly between d-day #1 and d-day #2.  In doing so, I made the mistake that so many betrayed wives make - rather than build myself up, I tried to cut The Whore down.  I just couldn't grasp the concept that she didn't need my help to prove that she is beneath me.  She did a fine job of that all on her own.  But depression plus insecurity plus betrayal is a deadly combination.

As I mull this over and my brain slowly processes everything, it suddenly hits me.  I don't need to prove that I am better than The Whore.  This whole time, my mind was trying to protect me by protecting The Mister.  I touched on it here.  But, suddenly it hit me - The Mister did a bad thing, but he's not a bad person.  The Mister turned into a person that I didn't even like.  If I had known the full extent of whom he had become, I would not have stayed.  And I have vowed that if that person ever comes back, I am gone.  In fact, I'm not even 100% certain that I can stay married to a person that could turn into the person he was.

However, The Whore knew exactly who she was associating with.  She knew the lies that he was telling me and was still more than eager to hop into bed with him.  Furthermore, she knew that he was throwing her under the bus and still talked about marrying him.  She knew that he was a man who was so selfish that he would leave his wife and day-old baby at the hospital to get his needs met because it was his birthday.  And yet, she continued to welcome him with open arms...or legs, as the case may be.  And with that, my anger faded.  How sad.  How utterly and absolutely pathetic one must be to accept that.

With that, I realized that I am better than her.  I require so much more than that.  And if The Mister wants to stay with me, then he must be better as well.  Suddenly, I realize what my actual issue is with losing my "special."  It's not that I actually lost anything.  I *am* special!  I am just hurt because The Mister didn't treat me accordingly.