Fog.

So in my last post, I left off with my realization that The Mister was still at the beginning of his journey because he was still -at least partially- in the fog.  Anyway, that night our discussion regarding the letter he had written to the whore for counseling continued.  I just maintained my attempt to explain my opinion and feelings.  As the discussion went on, The Mister became less angry and less defensive.  However, by the time we were ready to go to sleep, we basically just left it at that neither of us could help the way we feel and that our feelings were very different from each other.

The following more, I assume after sleeping on it and having some time to process, The Mister was much more open to hear what I was saying.  He asked me why I thought he needed to be the "good guy."  I asked "Are you really ready for this?"  He took and deep breath and said yes.  We talked about how growing up he was the golden child.  We talked about his interests, hobbies, and profession.  How he likes to be the protector and how he likes the accolades that go along with that.  We talked about The Whore, how she is a perpetual victim, and how he so willingly stepped up to be her knight in shining armour.  We talked about how it was all a fantasy.  And how it wasn't because he was so perfect for her, but that she is just unhappy and he was filling a role (as she was filling a role for him).  That eventually he would be the one who she needed to be saved from.  As the conversation went on, it gained more and more momentum.  The anger and defensiveness had completely subsided.  He was now a willing participant in this conversation.  He was drawing conclusions and giving examples.  It was as if I was seeing the fog start to lift before my eyes.

We had several more, less intense, conversations over the course of several days.  He made a comment at some point that he used to take some comfort in that as horrible as the outcome has been of his affair, at least it was with her - because they had that connection.  But, now that he's seeing her for the person that she truly is, he's just ashamed and disgusted.  He also made the analogy that it's like his mind has this thin tube coming out of it, that will only fit one thought at a time.  And because he was hanging on to missing her for so long (by keeping it in and not talking to his counselor or myself about it) it backed everything up.  But now that it's all out, everything is all coming flooding out,

While I find this all very positive, have no fear, the jaded me is still here.  I have not forgotten the countless lies that he told me because he didn't want to lose me.  I have not forgotten the numerous that I told him "this is it" and he continued.  I have not forgotten all of the trust he lost.  And I definitely have not forgotten the long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long history he has of telling me exactly what I want to hear even if it's an outright lie.

But, I also try to remember that he ended things with The Whore (basically confirmed by her) 2 months before I even found out because he didn't want to lose me.  And if we're ever going to rebuild trust, it needs to start somewhere.  The difference is that this time there are no more chances.  Yes, he ALMOST got away with it this time, but he didn't.  And I'm fairly confident that if he were to cheat again or still cheating that it would eventually catch up to him as well.  The difference is that this time, I'm ready to walk - whether he believes it or not.  So, I carry some comfort in that.