Naive.

I'm naive.  I know it.  When I was younger, like 6th grade or so, was when things started to be revealed to me.  Prior to that, I thought of it as things that people talked about, but didn't actually do.  Smoking is an example.  I mean, I knew that adults smoked because most of he adults in my family did.  But, kids my age? That was just something they talked about to sound cool.  Or so I thought.  Until I actually saw someone my age light up for the first time.  That was quite a shock for me.  Sex was another big one.  It was a long time before I actually could admit that people actually had sex and it wasn't just something you watched in the movies.

I'm beginning to learn that as an adult in my 30s, I still carry some of this naivety with me.  First of all, I was always under this misguided impression that deep down people really were looking out for each other - that everyone lived by the golden rule.  Turns out that's incorrect.  Most people are just looking out for themselves.  It's sad really.  A loss of innocence.  I'm sure some greater good will come out of this knowledge, but I sure do miss my cotton candy land.

The big one that gets me is the day I received the email from The Whore telling me that she and The Mister had come to the mutual decision to end their affair.  I almost found it comical.  Once again that is not something that people do...especially MY husband.  I forwarded the email to my husband, playfully saying "we need to talk."  Then, I proceeded to get dressed.  He comes TEARING up the stairs, with a look that I thought was filled with anger, but I know know was terror.  He said "she's lying."  I answered in a chipper tone "I know."

Well, we all know how that turned out.  That part of my has died.  I fear that only bitterness and jaded feelings have taken it's place.  Affair.  That word still sounds stupid to me.

Lonely.

At my last appointment, my counselor suggest that I start working on healing myself and hand The Mister back his baggage.  This is so hard for me because I'm terrified that The Mister will just take this as an indication that everything is okay between us.  But, as I slowly work my way out of my black hole of depression, I am beginning to find joy in life again.  I am finding hobbies to occupy myself.  It is so freeing!!  You have no idea how therapeutic tearing weeds out of the ground by the fistfull can be!  Especially teamed with some "girls rock" -type of music (the station that I was listening to really knew what kind of music I needed).  It can give you a whole new perspective on life.

The problem is that I feel myself separating from The Mister.  I stay at home with the kids, so I don't have a whole lot of outside interaction.  And prior to d-day #2, talking with his was enough.  But, as I let go of trying to control how he helps me heal, I am finding that it is no longer enough.  My friends/family/acquaintances that know - I either feel like they are quietly judging me or that they are almost avoiding me because they don't know what to say.  The ones who don't know - well, it's hard to talk to them while avoiding any conversation of this huge piece of my current reality. So, I'm lonely.  I wish I could find someone who has been through/is going through something like this.  But, unfortunately this is one of those taboo topics that no one discusses.

Perfect.

Although I am still fairly new to the world of the betrayed, I have noticed that there are striking similarities in many of the instances.  For example, I was quite surprised by the sheer number of people who are blindsided by their partner's affair because they thought they had a nearly perfect relationship.  You can count me in on this one.  In fact (and I've read of other people having similar experiences), The Mister and I have had people tell us that they viewed us as a model couple.  The Mister and I used to wonder to each other if WE were the weird ones because the people around us dealt with things like alcoholism, gambling addiction, verbal abuse, and blatant dislike for each other.  And our problems were much further on the other side of the spectrum - we fought about minor things like The Mister being insensitive and hurting my feelings or us not having enough sex.  Our fights were pretty tame compared to the other people that we knew.  Furthermore, we had successfully survived things that most people don't even need to think about - a deployment and recurrent miscarriages, to name a few.

I felt secure that our relationship was just that strong.  I was under the impression that we were well-prepared for pretty much anything that life could throw at us.  In fact, prior to getting married we had even discussed our reasons (beyond the obvious) for why we would remain faithful.  Oh how I was wrong.  Turns out what we had was not that special.  I'm actually still wondering if what we have is even mediocre.  At the moment, it still feels subpar.  I mean, in the case of alcoholism or gamble addiction.  That's an illness and it's not a direct transgression against the spouse - unlike my husband's affair.

Most people around us are unaware of my husband's behavior.  We recently celebrated our wedding anniversary.  And we STILL had people touting us as "the perfect couple."  I felt like a complete fraud.  It was embarrassing.

However, now I am beginning to wonder if this should have been a red flag.  Is there really a "perfect couple" out there?  I'm wondering, if it was just a matter of us stuffing feelings inside and bottling things up, rather than actually communicating that gave us the impression that we had such a wonderful relationship.  Improving our communication is definitely something that is my priority as we attempt to rebuild our relationship.  But, that might be something interesting to delve a little deeper into.

Legacy.

There have been days in the past year that my kids were the only thing keeping me from actually contemplating suicide.  No lie.  There were days that I was sure that they were my only reason for living.  My heart ached thinking of my children being raised by the Whore.  My kids' futures weighs very heavily on my mind and guide my decisions daily.  I know that I am a role model for them and I take that responsibility very seriously.

I've never really pieced it all together, but I'm starting to have concerns about some red flags.  You see, the Mister's dad cheated on his mom.  In fact, he is still married to her to this day.  The other thing that I recently remembered is that his uncle (so, the Mister's dad's brother) was cheated on by his wife.  Now, I never got to meet his paternal grandfather because he passed away long before the Mister and I started dating, but I'm beginning to wonder what he really was like.  I am really questioning what his marriage was like.  Most of all, I am wondering if there is something that has been passed down between generations.  This scares me.

I vow to do everything in my power to break this cycle.  I'm hoping that my kids are now young enough that they won't ever catch on to the absolute betrayal.  But, from here on out, my goal is to show them how to be a healthy individual - hopefully in a healthy, loving relationship.  But if not, I want to show them that I can be a strong person who picks myself up after getting out of a unhealthy relationship.

Better.

The issue of losing my special has weighed heavily on my mind.  And, believe me, I did my fair share of trying to prove this - particularly between d-day #1 and d-day #2.  In doing so, I made the mistake that so many betrayed wives make - rather than build myself up, I tried to cut The Whore down.  I just couldn't grasp the concept that she didn't need my help to prove that she is beneath me.  She did a fine job of that all on her own.  But depression plus insecurity plus betrayal is a deadly combination.

As I mull this over and my brain slowly processes everything, it suddenly hits me.  I don't need to prove that I am better than The Whore.  This whole time, my mind was trying to protect me by protecting The Mister.  I touched on it here.  But, suddenly it hit me - The Mister did a bad thing, but he's not a bad person.  The Mister turned into a person that I didn't even like.  If I had known the full extent of whom he had become, I would not have stayed.  And I have vowed that if that person ever comes back, I am gone.  In fact, I'm not even 100% certain that I can stay married to a person that could turn into the person he was.

However, The Whore knew exactly who she was associating with.  She knew the lies that he was telling me and was still more than eager to hop into bed with him.  Furthermore, she knew that he was throwing her under the bus and still talked about marrying him.  She knew that he was a man who was so selfish that he would leave his wife and day-old baby at the hospital to get his needs met because it was his birthday.  And yet, she continued to welcome him with open arms...or legs, as the case may be.  And with that, my anger faded.  How sad.  How utterly and absolutely pathetic one must be to accept that.

With that, I realized that I am better than her.  I require so much more than that.  And if The Mister wants to stay with me, then he must be better as well.  Suddenly, I realize what my actual issue is with losing my "special."  It's not that I actually lost anything.  I *am* special!  I am just hurt because The Mister didn't treat me accordingly.

Special.

One major issue that I have been struggling with as of late is feeling special.   There is common discussion among betrayed wives criticizing the other woman for feeling "special."  And if you spend any time around a bunch of betrayed wives, you will hear the old cliche "Did you think you were the only one?  What, you thought you were special?"  As if the other woman is the stupid one for thinking that SHE was special.  And as fucked up as it all is, I had to hold my tongue on more than one occasion in order to keep myself from uttering this sentiment to The Whore.     It's gross.  And I can assure you that it has more to do with the betrayed wife's insecurities than the other woman.

Unfortunately, having the clarity on the "special" situation does not in any way make me feel any more special.  I used to feel special.  You see, I was under the impression that I'd met my soulmate, had a nearly perfect relationship, and was married to a trustworthy, faithful man.  However, most of what I thought I knew was a sham.  The Mister turned into someone that I didn't even recognize - a selfish, deceitful person.  And because of this I am left to question our entire history.  I am truly worried that everything that made US special was a lie.  I am angry because we have not just been knocked down from our "special" spot high above all the others, but I fear that we are currently below most other relationships.

I know that my self-worth extends beyond my relationship with The Mister.  But, I honestly thought that we had something special.  I could not believe how incredibly lucky I was.  I was certain that I did not deserve it.  So, it hurt so deeply when it all came crumbling down.  I was completely dumbfounded that The Mister gave it all away.  I was devastated that he gave my "special" away.

Feelings.

Here I am nearly 4 months out from d-day #2 and quickly approaching the 1 year mark of when the affair started.  I'd say that overall, my good moments outweigh my bad.  The most frustrating part is whenever I come to the realization that I've had a pretty good day thus far, the negativity seeps into my brain.  I'm not even sure that the lows that follow are really that low or if it's just the stark difference in my mood and thoughts.  I think that a part of it is that I am actually feeling things again and this is a sensation to which I am no longer accustomed.

I guess I had gotten used to the melancholy.  I mean I had some variety - there were days that were more or less bleak, but for the most part, I was just numb.  It feels FANTASTIC to feel again - but it is also terrifying.  It's not that I mind the lows and I'm not even sure that the highs are that high.  It's just that it's so different than how I have felt for I-don't-even-know-how-long that I just fear that I'll get pulled back into that  all too familiar pit again.  Sure, I could put on a good show that everything was fine.  And I could almost convince myself that the way I felt was normal.  But, it took an extreme amount of effort to put on the facade.  So much effort that I had no energy for much else - and then I would berate myself for being lazy - which would only drag me further into my pit of depression - making it necessary to exert even more energy to create some semblance of normalcy.  It was an ugly cycle.

But I think that I am on the right track.  I feel like I am beginning to gain the tools to recognize when I am slipping.  And I am continuing the work that has been helping me to regain my emotions.  So, for the time-being  I'mm just put my faith in the process and ride it out.

Flight.

I have read advice from people much further along in their healing suggesting that you give it a year before you make any life-changing decisions after an affair.  I have made a commitment to The Mister to hold up my end on repairing our marriage.  But, every so often, I go down the path of mental self-abuse and my internal fight or flight instinct kicks in.  Suddenly, I have the urge to flee.  These periods are generally brief and then I am back to where I started.  I am just having difficulty discerning if this is my brain processing the utter lack of respect that has been shown to me...or if it's my mind telling me that I should actually flee.  I hope I get to the point where I know the correct answer.