Monday, February 17, 2014

Fog.

So in my last post, I left off with my realization that The Mister was still at the beginning of his journey because he was still -at least partially- in the fog.  Anyway, that night our discussion regarding the letter he had written to the whore for counseling continued.  I just maintained my attempt to explain my opinion and feelings.  As the discussion went on, The Mister became less angry and less defensive.  However, by the time we were ready to go to sleep, we basically just left it at that neither of us could help the way we feel and that our feelings were very different from each other.

The following more, I assume after sleeping on it and having some time to process, The Mister was much more open to hear what I was saying.  He asked me why I thought he needed to be the "good guy."  I asked "Are you really ready for this?"  He took and deep breath and said yes.  We talked about how growing up he was the golden child.  We talked about his interests, hobbies, and profession.  How he likes to be the protector and how he likes the accolades that go along with that.  We talked about The Whore, how she is a perpetual victim, and how he so willingly stepped up to be her knight in shining armour.  We talked about how it was all a fantasy.  And how it wasn't because he was so perfect for her, but that she is just unhappy and he was filling a role (as she was filling a role for him).  That eventually he would be the one who she needed to be saved from.  As the conversation went on, it gained more and more momentum.  The anger and defensiveness had completely subsided.  He was now a willing participant in this conversation.  He was drawing conclusions and giving examples.  It was as if I was seeing the fog start to lift before my eyes.

We had several more, less intense, conversations over the course of several days.  He made a comment at some point that he used to take some comfort in that as horrible as the outcome has been of his affair, at least it was with her - because they had that connection.  But, now that he's seeing her for the person that she truly is, he's just ashamed and disgusted.  He also made the analogy that it's like his mind has this thin tube coming out of it, that will only fit one thought at a time.  And because he was hanging on to missing her for so long (by keeping it in and not talking to his counselor or myself about it) it backed everything up.  But now that it's all out, everything is all coming flooding out,

While I find this all very positive, have no fear, the jaded me is still here.  I have not forgotten the countless lies that he told me because he didn't want to lose me.  I have not forgotten the numerous that I told him "this is it" and he continued.  I have not forgotten all of the trust he lost.  And I definitely have not forgotten the long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long history he has of telling me exactly what I want to hear even if it's an outright lie.

But, I also try to remember that he ended things with The Whore (basically confirmed by her) 2 months before I even found out because he didn't want to lose me.  And if we're ever going to rebuild trust, it needs to start somewhere.  The difference is that this time there are no more chances.  Yes, he ALMOST got away with it this time, but he didn't.  And I'm fairly confident that if he were to cheat again or still cheating that it would eventually catch up to him as well.  The difference is that this time, I'm ready to walk - whether he believes it or not.  So, I carry some comfort in that.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Begin.

A few things that happened in the last few weeks that I feel like I need to catch up on.  I know that I wrote about us going on a trip and we ended up leaving on the antiversary or DD#2.  One of the things that we were looking forward to was to have some time devoted to us, without the distractions of our kids, jobs, bills...well, just life.  Well, I think we both found this trip to be eye-opening.

While we were away, I did my very best to focus my attention on The Mister.  I did my very best to make sure that his needs were met.  This was not reciprocated.  It has been a point of contention between us that his need is to have a physical connection and while mine is to have an emotional connection.  To be blunt, he wants sex while I want to talk.  There were three occasions where my needs were shut down.  First of all, I was chattering away about something and he waited for the first pause in the conversation to suggest that we have sex.  I didn't say much at this point.  Then later, we were sitting in the room chatting and The Mister suggested that we get dressed for bed, hold each other and talk.  I was over the moon!  ...until he promptly fell asleep.  Then one night after dinner, we decided to head over to a bar to have a couple of beers.  We were drinking and chatting.  Then he encouraged me to finish my drink, putting the conversation to an abrupt halt.  I quickly chugged my drink.  He asked why I was doing that, I said because he wanted me to finish my drink.  On the walk back to our room, I could tell that he was trying to assess the situation by making jokes.  I responded with the very minimum.  When we got back to the room, he asked if I was mad.  I told him that I was hurt.

This started a very serious conversation that teetered dangerously close to us deciding to separate.  During this conversation, he was able to admit that there were internal issues to address versus his affair being a product of solely external factors.  He said that he felt like he was chasing something, but he didn't know what it was.  He had already made a few individual counseling sessions and decided that this was probably something that should be discussed.

Then once we were home, we were having another discussion where The Mister confessed to me that although he had no plans to follow through, but that he had feelings that he wanted to contact The Whore.  My heart lept into my throat, but I sat quietly and listened to him. He rambled something about bookends and maybe if he talked to her, he'd stop thinking about talking to her. And he wasn't thinking about anything secretive, like before. To be honest, I was only half listening at this point because I was making such a conscious effort to contain my visceral reactions.


After a few moments of silence, he asked what I was thinking and all I could whisper was "I'm scared." He immediately got mad at me ("You're the one who wants me to open up to you"), but then turned it around ("I'm sorry, I know you can't help the way you feel either"). So, I let him know that although I have no control over what he does (he made that VERY apparent during his affair and the following trickle truth), but I did not think it was a good idea to contact her and I don't know that I can stay in this marriage if he does. I also told him that I can appreciate his wondering that if he just contacted her that would end him thinking about contacting her. But, that this was too close to the circumstances (per him) that kept the affair going on for as long as it did - he had previously told me that he tried to break it off a few times, but just needed one last goodbye and that started everything up again, plus he only had her to commiserate being in the affair.


He happened to have an individual counseling appointment the next day. During this session, he was given the homework to to write a letter to her and to read it aloud to the counselor at his next appt.  I didn't know about this exercise until he came bounding home from counseling, excited to share his letter with me. He said that he knew one part would be hard for me to hear, but overall he thought it would be good for me to hear.

Nearly the entire thing cut me like a knife. I know he was disappointed in my reaction. I did tell him that I appreciated him opening up to me. And he did have a paragraph talking about how I stood by him at his worst, even when I wasn't sure that we'd make it. He also talked about his vision of our future together.

But I couldn't get past a few things he included. He opened it with something along the lines of "I've missed you and there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about you.". And then he ended it with something like "although I don't hate you and I'm not angry with you, I hope I never see you again."

He argued that the first paragraph was past tense. I didn't see it that way. He has said that he knows that the person he knew wasn't real - that it was all fantasy. But, his letter didn't sound like that. It sounded to me that he still has feelings for her, but doesn't plan on acting on them because I will leave.  I have always said that I don't want him to remain in no contact with her because I'm requiring it, but because he sees her for who she is and doesn't want to contact her, but maybe that's unreasonable.  However, my guess is that he's still in The Fog.  

I wasn't able to confront The Mister about my thoughts until the next day.  I told him how I felt about the letter and that I thought that he was still in The Fog.  I told him that it was like a kick to the gut because I felt like over the past year that we as individuals and as a couple have made many steps forward, but I see now that he is still at the beginning of this whole thing.  I told him that I was currently my fight or flight response.  He got angry and defensive.  He told me that instead of focusing on what I was looking at, I should focus on the fact that he didn't even really want to write the letter because he was over it.  I should focus on what he said about me and us.  That the letter was for him to let go, not something new to trigger me.  

:-/  I'd say he's still in the fog.