Thursday, April 25, 2013

Release.

The Mister and I had our first couples counseling session since D-Day #2.  In some ways I feel like it helped, but in other ways I feel like it made things worse (as in made me question things).  Let's talk about the positives first: I think I saw some REAL emotion from The Mister for the first time.  It was primarily anger and feeling like he was being ambushed, but it seemed like some legitimate reactions from him versus just blindly agreeing with me without even really listening to what I'm saying (which is why he felt ambushed).  I think our counselor was better able to express my feelings for The Mister.

However, the negative:  She says that I need to let go.  Yipes.  We discussed how The Mister will tell me that he'll do whatever I need.  But, he doesn't necessarily intend to do what I ask...or at least in the manner that I ask.  I have given him a list of things that I would like him to do.  For example, I have asked him to research ways to repair our marriage and to read a book that has come highly recommended on the topic of infidelity.  He has definitely drug his feet on these.  He says that he doesn't mind reading the book (although he has definitely not made it a priority), but he's not ready to do any other research - he's not at that point in "the process."  (That comment actually spurred some conflict the morning of our counseling session).

Our counselor suggested that the way that I process things may not be the same way that he processes things.  She suggested that he does things his own way, but makes an effort to clue me in on what exactly he's been doing.  He agreed and I (reluctantly) agreed.  You see, I'm terrified that if I'm not pushing my agenda, things will get put on the back burner.  And I can't feel safe or comfortable in our relationship if he's not putting in the effort beyond just the here and now or future stuff.  I need him to work on understanding what went wrong in the past and make an effort to correct it.  I also need him to put his fair share into trying to repair our marriage.

But, I'm letting go.  Our counselor said that we're not going to get where we want to be by dragging the other one along.  This is so scary.  Like stomach twisted in knots scary.  I feel like I'm precariously walking on a very high ledge.  I'm not even sure that The Mister completely understands the gravity of the situation - although I do think he got a bit of a glimpse during our session.  I'm fairly certain that he thinks everything is just fine so long as we're having, ahem, relations regularly and I'm not moping around the house.  I feel like I need some sort of deadline, but if I tell him "I need you to do ABC by XYZ," then I'm not really letting go, am I?  So, I think I'm going to make us another appointment in 6 weeks and silently plead that he takes a few steps on his own until then.  In the meantime, I'll be hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

As terrifying as it is, I am releasing control.  Ugh.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Hiatus.

Well, hello there.  It's been a little while.  I really don't have an excuse for my little hiatus.  I did foolishly think that I would have more free time once The Mister returned from his trip because I would have an extra set of hands to help with the kids and household duties.  Silly me!  Instead I just have yet another person in the house demanding my attention!  Honestly, I think it was just a matter of my getting behind and then getting overwhelmed because I felt like I needed to "catch up."  Also, the laptop basically died and getting on the desktop is a rare occurrence for me.  But I got a new laptop for my birthday, so I am up and running now!  I can tell you that I have written many WONDERFUL blog posts in my head - while I'm showering, doing the dishes, bathing the kids, or whatever.  But unfortunately, I am unable to hook my brain up to a computer.  And by the time I find myself at a computer with a few minutes to myself, the words escape me and I find 16,000 other things that I want to do.

Well, then I realized that writing is actually really therapeutic for me and there is no need to "catch up" - this is MY blog.  I am the one who makes the rules!  So, I guess you'll have to just deal with it!  :-)  Anyway, the last 2 months have been a roller coaster - which is pretty much to be expected, I suppose.  I *think* we're ultimately headed up, but it is most definitely a rough and rocky road.  In fact, I don't even really remember the specifics that got us there, but I spent a night on the couch and was very close to moving out of our bedroom into my son's room.  But, communication has been (for the most part) good.  And The Mister seems to be willing to take whatever measures it takes to make me feel safe(r) and (more) secure in our relationship.  So, I guess time will only tell.  We do have our first couples counseling appointment since d-day #2 coming up.

I hope to be able to check in more regularly again.