Release.

The Mister and I had our first couples counseling session since D-Day #2.  In some ways I feel like it helped, but in other ways I feel like it made things worse (as in made me question things).  Let's talk about the positives first: I think I saw some REAL emotion from The Mister for the first time.  It was primarily anger and feeling like he was being ambushed, but it seemed like some legitimate reactions from him versus just blindly agreeing with me without even really listening to what I'm saying (which is why he felt ambushed).  I think our counselor was better able to express my feelings for The Mister.

However, the negative:  She says that I need to let go.  Yipes.  We discussed how The Mister will tell me that he'll do whatever I need.  But, he doesn't necessarily intend to do what I ask...or at least in the manner that I ask.  I have given him a list of things that I would like him to do.  For example, I have asked him to research ways to repair our marriage and to read a book that has come highly recommended on the topic of infidelity.  He has definitely drug his feet on these.  He says that he doesn't mind reading the book (although he has definitely not made it a priority), but he's not ready to do any other research - he's not at that point in "the process."  (That comment actually spurred some conflict the morning of our counseling session).

Our counselor suggested that the way that I process things may not be the same way that he processes things.  She suggested that he does things his own way, but makes an effort to clue me in on what exactly he's been doing.  He agreed and I (reluctantly) agreed.  You see, I'm terrified that if I'm not pushing my agenda, things will get put on the back burner.  And I can't feel safe or comfortable in our relationship if he's not putting in the effort beyond just the here and now or future stuff.  I need him to work on understanding what went wrong in the past and make an effort to correct it.  I also need him to put his fair share into trying to repair our marriage.

But, I'm letting go.  Our counselor said that we're not going to get where we want to be by dragging the other one along.  This is so scary.  Like stomach twisted in knots scary.  I feel like I'm precariously walking on a very high ledge.  I'm not even sure that The Mister completely understands the gravity of the situation - although I do think he got a bit of a glimpse during our session.  I'm fairly certain that he thinks everything is just fine so long as we're having, ahem, relations regularly and I'm not moping around the house.  I feel like I need some sort of deadline, but if I tell him "I need you to do ABC by XYZ," then I'm not really letting go, am I?  So, I think I'm going to make us another appointment in 6 weeks and silently plead that he takes a few steps on his own until then.  In the meantime, I'll be hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

As terrifying as it is, I am releasing control.  Ugh.