Feelings.

Here I am nearly 4 months out from d-day #2 and quickly approaching the 1 year mark of when the affair started.  I'd say that overall, my good moments outweigh my bad.  The most frustrating part is whenever I come to the realization that I've had a pretty good day thus far, the negativity seeps into my brain.  I'm not even sure that the lows that follow are really that low or if it's just the stark difference in my mood and thoughts.  I think that a part of it is that I am actually feeling things again and this is a sensation to which I am no longer accustomed.

I guess I had gotten used to the melancholy.  I mean I had some variety - there were days that were more or less bleak, but for the most part, I was just numb.  It feels FANTASTIC to feel again - but it is also terrifying.  It's not that I mind the lows and I'm not even sure that the highs are that high.  It's just that it's so different than how I have felt for I-don't-even-know-how-long that I just fear that I'll get pulled back into that  all too familiar pit again.  Sure, I could put on a good show that everything was fine.  And I could almost convince myself that the way I felt was normal.  But, it took an extreme amount of effort to put on the facade.  So much effort that I had no energy for much else - and then I would berate myself for being lazy - which would only drag me further into my pit of depression - making it necessary to exert even more energy to create some semblance of normalcy.  It was an ugly cycle.

But I think that I am on the right track.  I feel like I am beginning to gain the tools to recognize when I am slipping.  And I am continuing the work that has been helping me to regain my emotions.  So, for the time-being  I'mm just put my faith in the process and ride it out.