Naive.

I'm naive.  I know it.  When I was younger, like 6th grade or so, was when things started to be revealed to me.  Prior to that, I thought of it as things that people talked about, but didn't actually do.  Smoking is an example.  I mean, I knew that adults smoked because most of he adults in my family did.  But, kids my age? That was just something they talked about to sound cool.  Or so I thought.  Until I actually saw someone my age light up for the first time.  That was quite a shock for me.  Sex was another big one.  It was a long time before I actually could admit that people actually had sex and it wasn't just something you watched in the movies.

I'm beginning to learn that as an adult in my 30s, I still carry some of this naivety with me.  First of all, I was always under this misguided impression that deep down people really were looking out for each other - that everyone lived by the golden rule.  Turns out that's incorrect.  Most people are just looking out for themselves.  It's sad really.  A loss of innocence.  I'm sure some greater good will come out of this knowledge, but I sure do miss my cotton candy land.

The big one that gets me is the day I received the email from The Whore telling me that she and The Mister had come to the mutual decision to end their affair.  I almost found it comical.  Once again that is not something that people do...especially MY husband.  I forwarded the email to my husband, playfully saying "we need to talk."  Then, I proceeded to get dressed.  He comes TEARING up the stairs, with a look that I thought was filled with anger, but I know know was terror.  He said "she's lying."  I answered in a chipper tone "I know."

Well, we all know how that turned out.  That part of my has died.  I fear that only bitterness and jaded feelings have taken it's place.  Affair.  That word still sounds stupid to me.