Taper.

For YEARS I've fought taking an antidepressant.  I mean, I fought accepting the label of depression as well, but I was actually scared to start a medication.  It was such a concrete action that I did, in fact, have depression.  I had concerns that it would change me - somehow make me a zombie.  Not to mention that I never had a lot of support from The Mister in that regard.  So instead, I self-medicated, on food.

But last year between D-day #1 and D-day #2, I got to the point where things got bad enough that without further hesitation or discussion with The Mister, I made an appointment with my PCP.  I knew definitively that something wasn't right and that things were not getting better.  For some reason, I wanted to be clear that I was not suffering from postpartum depression.  I'm still not sure why I felt the need to differentiate.  Probably just to give the complete picture.

I've always been pretty hard on myself in terms of shifting blame of my actions on to my past.  I always thought it was weak because so many other people have been through far worse than what I've endured.  But some time last fall, I just got to the point when I had to suck it up and ask for help.  I had to get past my beliefs and get myself healthy for my kids.

So, I got a prescription for Zoloft from my PCP and got a referral for a therapist.  This combination seemed to be working for me.  Then, I needed to see my PCP for something entirely different and she reviewed my file.  She asked about the Zoloft and whether it was working for me.  I told her that I was feeling much better.  She said that from time to time her patients would need a slight increase in dosage.  And that if I felt that I needed that to give her a call.  Well, then D-day #2 happened.  The following morning, though I was still completely numb with shock, I called right away to up my dosage as a preemptive measure.

But, my pride was still there.  I told myself that I would not become dependent on it.  I told myself that I would use it like a cast - a tool to help me stabilize when I was weak and vulnerable.  But eventually I would need to learn some skills to help me cope without it.  Ultimately, although I am very grateful of the benefits of the medication, I HATE the side effects.  I'm not going to go into details, but if you're not familiar with the side effects of Zoloft, I'm sure a short Google search would enlighten you.  I don't even have it as bad as some people, but it's absolutely frustrating nonetheless.

I feel like it's now time to taper off.  I've reduced back to my original dose.  Then in a few weeks, I'll taper down again.  We'll see how it goes!