Distance.

The title of this post is a bit of a double entendre.  You see, on this Valentine's day, I find myself thinking about distance and how it relates to my marriage.  In 2012, we experienced a great deal of emotional distance.  I'm not even sure when it started or what the catalyst was because I think it grew so slowly.  Right now, The Mister is about 12,000 miles away, so we are currently facing physical distance.  I think having a forced separation of sorts is a good thing toward healing our marriage.  Besides giving us a taste of what life apart would be like, it also gives us a chance to work through some of our own stuff individually.  And because we're not really jointly involved in the day-to-day stuff presently, it's easier to have the feel that we're dating - which is the stage that I think we're in right now anyway.  Because we're not currently living together, it helps the hunger for each other to return.  In fact, just yesterday, I was struck by how much I actually miss him.  I mean I *know* that I miss him, but yesterday I could feel it in my soul.  The depth of the feeling struck me.  Almost immediately, I noticed the little things that would make life a bit easier - I now had to take on 100% of the child care duties, 100% of the household duties, and had no one to easily relieve me if I needed to run somewhere.  But after 4 days, I really truly missed just having my partner here.  I think the physical distance is assisting in our ability to heal.

And then today is Valentine's day and let me tell you, he hit it out of the park this year!  A public announcement that he loves me on my Facebook wall, flowers delivered to the house, and sweet text messages all day that gave me the butterflies feeling again.  I really truly felt loved and appreciated today.  Then I realized what a juxtaposition that feeling was to Valentine's day 2012.  Last year I got nothing, nada, zilch.  I even told The Mister that all I wanted was a card.  I don't need expensive gifts, but a girl likes to be reminded that she's appreciated once in a while - small gestures once in a while to show her that you're thinking about her even when she's not around.  A card with some thoughtful words written inside go a long way.  All I got last year was an apology and an offer to share the candy I bought for him (that I hate, BTW) - from The Mister anyway, Buddy told me that he would share his Valentine's day card with him.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but now I can see that this was just the start of the emotional distance growing between us.  Although the affair had not stated yet, this was the beginning of the downward plunge that our marriage took last year.  Now, I will NEVER, EVER, EVER be one of those "his affair saved our marriage" -types because I think that's bullshit.  I will NEVER, EVER, EVER give The Mister an out like that.  I absolutely wish that he would have brought his concerns to me and let me in on the gravity of the situation before he broke his vows.  But, there is nothing I can do about that now.  I AM, however, the type of person that believes that you need to find the lesson in all of life's experiences, otherwise it's just a waste.  I am hoping that we can learn experience, appreciate our marriage, put some safeguards in place to ensure fidelity, and not let the emotional distance grow between us again.