Protect.

I had another therapy session today.  I REALLY hate whining about how I was mistreated growing up. Especially because I know I could have had it much worse.  No one touched me inappropriately.  No one beat me.  My parents fed me and clothed me and loved me...in their own way.  So, I really just want to suck it up and get over it.  But, if you look at some of my issues from my past and some of my issues in the present.  It kind of fits together like some sort of weird jigsaw puzzle.

No one has ever REALLY protected me.  My parents were married when I was little until I was about age 10 or 11.  My Mom was the dominant one in the relationship.  She was also the youngest in her family and the only girl, so I think she was spoiled a bit growing up.  And thus, she's always been somewhat co-dependent, helpless, and immature.  But, she has always been proud of her outgoing-ness and her "athleticism" (which I think it more of a tom-boyish attitude - placing more importance on traditionally masculine activities, such as sports, over traditionally girly activities, such as cooking, makeup, fashion, etc.).  Evidently, I remind my Mom too much of my dad.  I am quite reserved, quiet and thoughtful - pretty much the opposite of my Mom.  I love girly things.  I love make-up, hair, shoes, and looking pretty.  I love cooking and doting on my family.  Again, all pretty much the opposite of my Mom.  And although she doesn't say it in so many words, I don't believe that a day has gone by that she hasn't reminded me that I am not what she expected in a daughter.

On to my Dad Like I said, my Dad is very reserved and quiet.  His mother is a mean old lady and I'm pretty sure there is something psychologically wrong with her.  She will often pit people against each other.  I've seen her do it between her children, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren.  Like life is some sort of F'd up competition.  And I've seen my Dad just roll over and take her abuse, as I'm sure he has done for his entire life.

So, I am brought into this world and these are the two people who are supposed to care for me - a self-centered, bitter Mom and a Dad who is unable to stand up to the matriarch of the house.  So, I get the message loud and clear: I'm not worth fighting for.  Then, my parents split and find other significant others.  The cycle continues, only this time worse because I'm not even sure that these "new" parental figures even truly care for me.  My Dad marries an even more controlling and aggressive woman and takes an even bigger step back in regards to my defense.  My Mom shacks up with a man who is an alcoholic and emotionally abusive.  She's far too concerned with her relationship and my brother's activities to be bothered with me.  And he jumps right in when she starts belittling me.

I am required to grow up quickly.  I am given a lot of responsibility at a young age...but only when it's convenient for the "adults" in my life.  No one takes too much interest in my life, except to tell me when I could do better.  So, I seek out people that I think will protect me.  But unfortunately, I'm not the best judge of that.

Then I meet a boy.  He likes me and he's nice enough to me and interested enough in me that I can overlook a few things, like the fact that he has to call his ex-girlfriend every Sunday - no matter what.  He eventually breaks up with me for her and I am crushed.  Then he wants me back, but only as his "best friend."  He's still dating his ex.  He only wants me when it suites him and I go along with it because I think he really cares and that he'll protect me.  The ex breaks up with him, but he still doesn't want me as anything more than the "best friend."  Eventually, I get smart.  Someone else starts to pay attention to me.  I agree to still be the "best friend," but he no longer can have me when it suites him.  I have someone else who will try to protect me.

The boy realizes that he wants what he now can't have.  He makes a very convincing plea.  He wants to protect me for the rest of my life.  This is an offer that I can't turn down.  This is everything that I ever wanted.  And for a while, it seemed that he did.  In fact, until recently, I thought that was the fairy tale.  "And they lived happily ever after.  The end."

I was wrong.  The boy chose to protect himself and The Whore at the expense of me.

I understand now that I can't rely on anyone else for protection.  I need to learn to protect myself.  But, that doesn't mean that I won't be just a little bit angry and bitter that I've fought for years yet have still never received what is simple a given for most everyone else.