Dreams.

I have always thought that dreams are significant.  Less in a one-size-fits-all 'let's look it up in a dream book' sort of way and more in a 'my brain is processing life' way.  Dreams can be literal or figurative - sometimes the feeling or the mood of the dream is more important than the actual images - or the images are symbolic of something else.

I've had PLENTY of dreams in the past few months.  As you can imagine, my brain has had a lot to process  throughout this whole horrific ordeal.  The whore has cropped up in my dreams sporadically, but this week she has tormented me twice already.  The first one was quite distressing.  There was a lot of talking and then I tried to punch her and I couldn't.  It put a damper on the rest of my day.  Actually, now that I think about it, this may have prompted the start of my angry phase.

However, last night I dreamt that I got to tell her all of the things that I wish I could say to her, but know better.  First of all, I told The Bore about her last message to The Mister.  The one that was "fishing" - trying to see if she could start things up.  This was actually the message that spurred D-day #2.  The other thing I got to tell was that she is trash.  In her last email to me, she assured me that she never spoke poorly of me.  It took every ounce of strength that I had not to respond with "I honestly do not care because you are nothing more than trash."  But, I decided that silence was my best option.  Then in my dream they wouldn't leave, so I had to call 911.  I actually woke up feeling a little bit victorious   I actually feel much more level than I have for the past few days.  I don't want to get too far ahead of myself and jump to conclusions, but perhaps my dream last night was my brain working through my emotions.  One can hope!

To further encourage my healing, The Mister is currently on top of his game.  He is saying all the right things. He is doing the work he can from out of town - he's reading and doing the necessary research.  He's discussing the things he's been doing.  He's open to being completely transparent.  He's making plans - that if he follows through with - could make great strides in our recovery.

Today, I am cautiously optimistic.